It’s been a year since I’ve seen you last. Is it weird that your face still lingers? I’ve never kissed you, and we’ve never interlaced our fingers but I wanted to. Because I loved you, and maybe I still do. Do you remember how much my face would brighten when you cast your shadow by my side? And you would always smile and role your eyes when I said a funny joke or line.
You don’t know this but I made it my mission to make sure there was an expression of permanent happiness across your face. You thought I was like that all the time but you’re the only one that made me light up inside. You never said it, maybe you were embarrassed and maybe I didn’t come in the package you wanted.
I’m sorry that you saw everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold back like you did. But when I met you I fell down the darkest well and was swimming for months. I didn’t think you would leave me there to drown but before you walked away you even held my head down under the water just to prove your point.
Did I not understand the signs? Was I not good enough so you left me behind? I know you miss me. I was the only one that made you smile that much, that made you laugh that much, that made you feel that much. And now I will never be able to trust you. You thought you were protecting me from the darkness inside you. I’m a tough person, I never needed a bodyguard. I never wanted someone to be in my life to feel like they had to protect me.
And as the days spent with you grew shorter my light became a dull sparkle. I chose to shut you out of my mind. I didn’t want to be vulnerable with someone who was scared of showing me their dark side. Because when I love I want to see everything. I want to know the skeletons and demons that scream from your soul at night.
I’m still going to love you but I will do it silently from afar. And no, there is no going back after you left that nasty scar. I understand why. I do forgive you but I will never forget how you just left me out to dry. If I had known that it was going to be the last time, I would have at least kissed you goodbye.
Picture: Heartbreak In A Sunset by Kerry Langel
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