Love Is On Its Way

Love is on its way when you have figured out how to love yourself properly. When you realize that being single is better than being in an abusive relationship. When you realize that following your passions is better than money. When you understand that happiness is inside you waiting to come out and it is not in the company of another person.

Love is on its way when you have goals and aspirations and you are working towards achieving them. When you fully respect your body and do everything you can to take care of it. When you clear your life of toxicity including people who bring you down.

Love is on its way when you learn to stand on your own two feet. When you can defend yourself without needing anyone else to stand by you. When you realize that you only deserve the very best and settling is no longer an option until the best becomes reality.

Love is on its way when you know how much you are worth. When you realize you are more than a pretty face. When you know that you deserve someone who treats you how the sun treats the earth. When someone shines brighter for you and sends arms of warmth your way. Making sure to always show up when you need them.

Love is on its way when your heart is no longer heavy from all the people who hurt you. When you can confidently open up to everyone about who you are and not be afraid of rejection. Love is on its way when you fully understand what love is. Towards yourself and others.


We’ve Never Interlaced Our Fingers

It’s been a year since I’ve seen you last. Is it weird that your face still lingers? I’ve never kissed you, and we’ve never interlaced our fingers but I wanted to. Because I loved you, and maybe I still do. Do you remember how much my face would brighten when you cast your shadow by my side? And you would always smile and role your eyes when I said a funny joke or line.

You don’t know this but I made it my mission to make sure there was an expression of permanent happiness across your face. You thought I was like that all the time but you’re the only one that made me light up inside. You never said it, maybe you were embarrassed and maybe I didn’t come in the package you wanted.

I’m sorry that you saw everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t hold back like you did. But when I met you I fell down the darkest well and was swimming for months. I didn’t think you would leave me there to drown but before you walked away you even held my head down under the water just to prove your point.

Did I not understand the signs? Was I not good enough so you left me behind? I know you miss me. I was the only one that made you smile that much, that made you laugh that much, that made you feel that much. And now I will never be able to trust you. You thought you were protecting me from the darkness inside you. I’m a tough person, I never needed a bodyguard. I never wanted someone to be in my life to feel like they had to protect me.

And as the days spent with you grew shorter my light became a dull sparkle. I chose to shut you out of my mind. I didn’t want to be vulnerable with someone who was scared of showing me their dark side. Because when I love I want to see everything. I want to know the skeletons and demons that scream from your soul at night.

I’m still going to love you but I will do it silently from afar. And no, there is no going back after you left that nasty scar. I understand why. I do forgive you but I will never forget how you just left me out to dry. If I had known that it was going to be the last time, I would have at least kissed you goodbye.

Picture: Heartbreak In A Sunset by Kerry Langel

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The Boy That Jumped.

This is about the boy that jumped. With rocks in his backpack, getting ready for the fall, hoping to never come back. You succeeded. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you didn’t take the phrase “don’t think, just do” so literally. For your sake I hope you aren’t in pain anymore. At 16 you had clearly been through enough.

I’m going to apologize on behalf of everyone that made you take that extra step closer to that edge. I’m sorry on behalf of all the people that stood by and watched as your depression took over your mind and the suicidal thoughts never took the time to give you a break.

Maybe if they had stopped for more than a second you would have realized that this world is more than what greets your eyes. I’m here to say that even though I never met you, you were important. And it all would have turned out more than okay. You had so much to offer.

I know there is more than one person to blame. How about the nurses and doctors who turned you away. They didn’t help you when you asked to be put in a room to stay until the thoughts pass. They didn’t try to help you when you said that you hadn’t felt the light inside you for months and you don’t even know where the switch to turn them on is anymore. Or when you said that the end is all you can see now. The end seems like the only way you can be free now.

You were never alone in this fight for happiness. I understand what it’s like to feel like you don’t have any. You weren’t the only one searching for acceptance. Somedays it all seems pointless. Like all the mundane tasks are worthless and that’s how people make you feel. Worthless. But as you get older you realize it was all worth it because life always gets better. I hate that you didn’t live long enough to see that.

Your worth doesn’t ever decrease. You were equally as valuable as the day you were born. No matter whatever you did or whatever anyone ever said to you you were still priceless and loved.

You know that you died right near my house? I wish that you had stopped by first. Maybe we could have talked and maybe you would have understood that complete strangers care about you. Every life is important and you were never excluded from that.

The police surrounded your body. You didn’t give yourself a chance, you landed on concrete. I guess that was the objective right? I wish I could have silenced all the people that hurt you. And all I have the chance to say now is rest in peace.

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My Body Is Mine

My body is mine.
You don't get to touch me.
There is no conquering needed.
You don't get to take over.
You're never drunk enough to justify 
grabbing me and having your way with me.
Because it's mine.
My body is mine.
Just because I'm the physically weaker 
one you can't use me.
I'm a human being, not an object.
And you are not an animal.
So you should be able to control yourself.
Because it's mine.
My body is mine.
Yes, I wore a short dress but 
if I don't say yes 
you don't get to use my 
clothing as an excuse to rape me.
To touch me, to ignore my plea's when I yell
"stop" and "no I don't want to."
Because it's mine.
My body is mine.
It's not about the clothes anyway.
I've been told it's about the power.
I'm sorry you have to hurt 
someone to feel powerful.
I'm sorry that when you look 
inside there is darkness.
But, my body is mine.
My body is mine.
I'm tired of people taking advantage of others. 
Yes, I know it happens to men too.
I'm tired of being scared walking 
down the street at night.
I'm tired of wondering if I will 
get harassed today, touched today, 
used today, abused today.
My body is mine.
My body is mine, not yours.
So be respectful, because that's all we want.
When we say no it means no.
It doesn't mean we are teasing you.
So hands off the merchandise.
Because my body is mine.

Meet Me In Toronto.

I’m here, and where are you? I can’t remember the last time I gave out hope for you to be. Did you forget? You know we were supposed to be the next great love story. But it’s alright. I mean maybe you’re just running late or I’m not in the right place.

How does Toronto sound? Is that better for you? Will this move make it more successful for you to come out and find me? Because all I’m trying to do is be happy. I know it doesn’t help that I’m kissing all these frogs but you’re not here and I’m lonely. So please just go to Toronto.That’s where I’ll be, I’ll be sitting in cafes with one eye in a book and the other on the street hoping to see your face.

I won’t give up. Even though I’m fed up with relatives and friends asking if I’ve met anyone yet as sadness creeps into their eyes I have to say no for the one millionth time.”No? Not Yet? Not even a Valentine?” As they see my clock ticking: “You know you won’t be young forever.” Oh believe me I know but stop commenting that I’m being too picky and how it’s just about finding a nice boy. If life was about finding a nice boy I would’ve been done by now. But I’m not looking to be content, I’m not looking to settle, I’m looking for you. So meet me in Toronto.

Trapped In Love

I don’t think you realized how long forever is. Do you regret it? Do you regret letting those words ever touch your lips? Because I do. Not because I didn’t mean it. I would have pulled out my whole heart to give to you so you would know how much of my heart you have.

I regret saying forever because now I’m trapped in the confines of your brain. I realized you never truly loved me like your words portrayed. I was only cared for in the mind. As something that sounded like a good idea at the time. You relentlessly kept me there as if out of resentment towards me for loving you so completely.

The shame takes over my body now. Knowing that you will never love me but I will foolishly follow you to the ends of the earth. Let me out. Unlock the door so I can be free. You’ve tricked me and now I’m onto you but I need a release. Get the key. Your brain is an emotionless place where I feel like I’ve been buried alive and you keep piling the dirt on. Tears stream down my face as I yell “Stop! This is enough. Forever is over. I’m the only one who can decide my life.”

But you couldn’t hear me drowning in the mountain of dirt you buried me in. So I’m still trapped, begging for freedom. Searching for another way out of your heartless mind. Maybe it was me who didn’t know how long forever was. Because now I am suffocating in forever with you.

Running In, Running Out

The tide runs in as you run out.

Your feet scampering along the wet sand

imprinting your little feet into it,

only to get washed away by the tide

Running in, running out.

The waves create a loud booming sound

as they hit the shore.

Running in, running out.

Your laughter, dancing along the wind

produces a beautiful harmony in the crisp fall air.

Your hands filled with wet sand

as you squeeze your fingers together and release,

the sand falls to the ground where it belongs.

You wipe your sandy palms against your dress.

You smile at me cheekily.

Running in, running out.

Your infectious spirit skips to the nearest seashell,

as the next wave makes the bottom of your dress wet.

You scream at the unexpected coldness on your small feet.

Your golden tendrils get caught in the harsh winds.

You chase the wave as it depletes from the shore.

Running in, running out.

My soul longs for the childlike wonder that you possess.

Your youthfulness,

The hope you bring for better days.

Running in, running out.

Looking In The Mirror

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not liked what you’ve seen?

I’m not talking about looks, or the flaws you think are obscene.

I’m talking about looking in the mirror and staring deep into your eyes- your soul.

Have you ever seen a look of desperation in those eyes?

A glimpse of something that isn’t you?

It’s been implanted there by circumstance.

It’s what the world has done to you.

It’s not who you are but the more you shake the thought the more it consumes you.

Will this become me?

For now it’s only supposed to be temporary.

But what if it has another plan?

What if it starts to take over me?

What if the feeling is hungry?

What if it asks for a bite but it wants all of you?

What if it doesn’t stop until it has devoured every last piece, until there is nothing left?

The world is a selfish place. And if you don’t choose your life someone will choose it for

you, for their own gain.

And in the end you will be left by the sewer drain

While they bask in the glory of your blood, sweat and tears.

You run to the nearest mirror and stare. You look deep.

And you can’t find yourself there.

In the eyes are just two hollowed out expressionless circles on your face.

And you wonder how much time you let pass.

How long you’ve let them drain you.

How much energy you wasted on the dreams of everyone around.

While ignoring the screams, of the voice inside.